[Question 1] The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else?

KS3 GCSE Written Examination. Show your workings out. (20 Points)

If you’ve ever been broken up with, you’ll recall that familiar heart wrenching feeling of anxiety that begins to circulate through your body about five minutes before the final words are uttered and your unbreakable relationship is shattered like a single glazed window in a light hail storm.

How has this happened again? What went wrong? Was it the raw chicken dinner? Well, how was I supposed to know Sushi was made with fish, Linda?

All of these thoughts, and many more, will be cascading through your frazzled mind. A never ending, never settling torrent of ‘Why’ and ‘But’s violently zap and pop as you try to steady your thoughts and comprehend your reality.

The root of these insufferable thoughts is the feeling of intangible grief. A sickening loss. The bewilderment of being separated from the perfect extension of you which has been so vital to your life until this point. For almost a year, you saw each other every day. Now your routine is gone, your stability is rocked and you’re left with the haunting, isolating realisation that you have all your time back. But what are you going to do with it?

You met her parents. You saw her friends. You took the train to hers every night and never even asked her to cover your expenses. She basically lived with you. You’ve never had that before, a proper adult relationship. You left clothes, muesli and a charger at hers. It was all going so well.

Then suddenly, Out of the blue. Out of nowhere, Once again;

You are alone.

You now have two options.

Option 1:

Ride out the emotions and get them off your chest whenever you can. Keep talking to friends, family, Uber drives, family, PC World Technical Support Line, anyone that will listen to your woes. Let it all out your mind and share your misery with others who can help, heal and guide.

Option 2:

Download Tinder, or Bumble because you hear that’s somehow better now.

You select Option 2.

You swipe the girl / guy of your dreams / immediate needs. They seem great, they have eyes, they can type, they also think The Wire is a slow burner but everyone needs to get past the 4th episode to appreciate it. It’s all coming together! This upcoming fleeting sexual experience will surely heal the excruciating agony of your broken, battered heart.

You meet at your favourite Wetherspoons and offer her a tap water on the house. She giggles and soon you find yourself back at her caravan. Heavy petting ensues and the socks have been taken off. This is going to happen.

However, none of it feels right. Throughout the date you were constantly comparing her to “the ex”. Everything she says and does just doesn’t match up to what you knew and loved about your previous partner. Even though she broke up with you, it feels like you’re somehow cheating on her or disrespecting her because you’ve chosen to try and move on so rapidly.

This is the longest time you’ve gone without contact and you could never envision it would come to this. You felt uneasy and sleazy when sat opposite this stranger listening to stories about her brother not getting into Oxford-Brooks because his science teacher had a breakdown and the school didn’t find a decent supply to help carry him through Biology (the original GCSE subject has been changed to preserve Joshuas identity). But still you listened, you nodded, you quipped, retorted, grunted and anecdoted your way through the evening and back to hers.

The light is dimmed. The pizza in the oven is set to a 12 minute reminder. The Rottweiler, who has been judging you this whole time, has been put outside and given a tough pigs ear to keep it busy. Barry White plays quietly through her WalkMan(TM) headphones. The mood set, the dance begins.

The pizza alarm is due to go off in 4 minutes, as you lay there watching the cigarette swirls escape the through the window and up into the sky.

On paper, this scenario feels very Rock and Roll. In reality, it just feels well sad. A depressing wave of guilt washes over you as you think back to all the incredible times you once shared. The tiny moments, the odd things that were said, the nonsensical night time tired ramblings that kept you laughing until the early hours. All of these flood your brain and you realise that this substitution, this evening of trying to forget, has done nothing but force these memories on your harder.

Why are you here? You don’t know this person. You don’t want this person. But you need to have someone. Why? Because the void is too dark and vast to have you as its only occupant.

The Rottweiler howls at the door, remnants of ear hang from his jowls. You pick up your green chinos from the floor and pull them up, fastening your American Eagle belt at the top. You sigh, doing up the last button on your cardigan before hugging her goodnight and walking the 42 minutes home because there’s a surge-charge on.

You and your Tinder date agreed this was a fling, a one off. She knew your situation and you knew hers. Two people rebounding through the night. The momentary comfort of human connection is now completely shadowed by the sinking feeling of feeling more alone than ever before.

CONCLUSION. Please get your teacher to read this aloud.

Getting with someone else, so soon after a breakup, is possibly not a good idea. This is what I learned the hard way (pun shamelessly intended) as it only serves as a momentarily relief from the distress. Once the distraction is over, you’re launched right back into the darkness with even less clarity than before.

There’s no way to get over this quickly, as I have unfortunately found out. But all I know is I managed to get this far with friends, family and a decent amount of comedy, documentaries (new Louis Theroux is out now!) free running clubs and as much sleep as I could physically get.

Getting under someone, to get over someone else, may right now seem like a great way to move forward. However, the erratic situations we throw ourselves into immediately after a break up, will never compete with the natural healing process of time. A concept which right now may seem impossible, but luckily, all you have you do is wait, keep moving, and try to gather the strength to have some fun.

Please show workings out below. You have 5 minutes to complete this test. (20 Points)